Like A Bad Car Engine

That was hardly the outing I expected after all my glowing praise yesterday. I love you Dan Haren, but you're going to have to do a bit better that nine hits, two walks and five earned runs in less than five innings if this is going to work between us.

Not that Danny Boy is solely responsible for this trainwreck. With the exception of Baby Drew's solo shot, the Dbacks' bats were made of lead and the defense was hardly impressive. Yes, that means you, Young and Upton. I know you're young (one of you literally) but committing errors that let the other team score is bad. Do we understand each other?

I read somewhere that Young is still shaking the flu, and you know, I blame Typhoid Tek. Clearly, Varitek has infected everyone. I wouldn't be surprised if Josh Beckett was mailing out Tek's used tissues to opposing clubs.

Let's do better tonight boys, okay?

Like A Rocket

When it comes to hot starts, it doesn't get any fiery than this. The Diamondbacks are sitting on a pretty six game division lead and have the best record in the the MLB. And last night Brandon Webb became the first pitcher this year to go 5-0. Of course, he won the game with a two-run RBI after the Giants got off to an early lead.

This, combined with the fact that my alarm goes off at the ungodly hour of 4:30 am, prompted me to turn off the game and go to bed. Then I dreamt we lost 33-9. I know it was a dream because not only did we win 5-4 but if the Giants ever scored 33 runs in a game, I'd be holed up in my nuclear bunker, enjoying a diet of Spam and bottled water because the end of the world would be pretty seriously nigh.

Webb isn't even the best hitting pitcher we've got. That honor belongs to Micah Owings, whose entertaining exploits have me eager to see which will be better, his ERA or his BA. I've seen Pwnings brought in to pinch hit. And if you're a pitcher and the other team sends in their pitcher to pinch hit, you might as well call it a day. That must be so embarrassing. I love it.

Pwnings is also unafraid to go after the ball. Couple of days ago, he went after an infield grounder and when there was no one covering the bag, he slid to first to get the out. It's a surprising play when you weigh the risk of injury against the rewards of merely getting the first out.

And before I forget, tip of the hat to Conor Jackson for being named NL Player of the Week. Nicely done, Gravity.

Tied together with a smile

Well, I may be sounding the death knell a little too soon, but...

Manny Delcarmen has the flu.

Jason Varitek has the flu.

Josh Beckett has neck stiffness related to the flu.

Mike Lowell's on the DL (although things are looking good for his return soon).

Alex Cora's on the DL.

Coco Crisp isn't on the DL, but is having hamstring problems.

Which means that backup catcher Kevin Cash is catching fresh-from-Pawtucket emergency starter David Pauley tonight. Anyone else just a little bit iffy about this? I'd feel better if Tek was the one behind the plate with a new guy on the mound. Unfortunately, Tek went and got himself the flu, then proceeded to do his best Typhoid Mary impression all over the Red Sox clubhouse. Hand sanitizer, man! Take it from a teacher - that shit is your best friend. If this goes on any longer, the maintenance men are going to wind up taking the field!

Ten bucks says Jacoby Ellsbury shows up at the clubhouse tomorrow with homemade chicken soup.

Fun fact: With Tek out, Cash playing and both Cora and Lowell (our intrepid emergency backup-backup catchers) on the DL, we were presumably without a backup catcher for tonight's game. That is, at least, until wee Dustin Pedroia offered to take the job. He'll be the only person in the history of major league baseball to have to catch from a standing position.

Duct tape and string, that seems to be the only thing holding the Sox together tonight.

Being Big Papi

Photo courtesy of the Boston Globe

Ladies and gentlemen, Big Papi is back!

Davit Ortiz hit himself a grand slam with two outs in the third inning of in last night's game against the Texas Rangers. You can see him up there celebrating with the three runs he brought in - Ellsbury, Pedroia, and recent minor-league call-up Jed Lowrie. Then, to prove it wasn't a fluke, he hit a two-run RBI single in the bottom of the eighth. Also, Dice-K extended his winning streak to 4-0, and wee Dustin Pedroia hit his first homer of the season. Rangers 3, Red Sox 11.

But the honors of the night really belong to one Mr. David Ortiz.

Welcome back, Papi.

Things I Do At 5 AM

A haiku:

O! Danny Haren
I love your hair and fastball
Are you a pirate?

The Dbacks play the Padres today and I have a feeling they may be a little sluggish tonight. Seeing as how they went 22 innings against Colorado last night. It was after 1 am when the Rockies finally won and the Padres still have to travel to Phoenix today. I mean, six hour game. Damn.

Brothers From Another Mother

Screencap from yahoo.com

When I saw this image over on Yahoo! I had to do a double-take. I mean, is it just me or somehow, during his time extending his hitting streak to 12 games and helping Arizona win the series with the Giants two games to one, did Eric Byrnes find time to clone himself and trek to Cincinnati (the best town in O-H-I-O, Ohio USA) to go play for the Reds? It's not just me, right?

An open letter to the Red Sox bullpen

Dear David Aardsma,

I'll admit, I haven't thought very much of you as a pitcher so far this season. I think at one point I saw Tito put you in and went "Oh, we're fucked now." And really, you walk a lot of batters. But you're improving, I'll give you that.

Tonight, I just want to say thank you.

Generally, I'm not a fan of my pitchers plunking guys, not unless the other guys started it. However, I do understand that sometimes, those balls get away from you. And whether you meant it or not, that 95 mph heater you hit A-Rod with? Beautiful. I mean, I'm not happy that A-Rod got first, don't get me wrong. But if there's anyone on that team that I want to see hit with something traveling faster than my car will go, it's him.

So thank you, David Aardsma. You made my night.

Go Sox!

--Trin