Baby Drew: House Mom

Char:  Chris Young was literally just having an extended conversation with a bat in the dugout

Trinity:  um...okay

 Char:  he was! just talking to it  

Trinity:  lol!  

Char:  not to anyone else in the dugout with a bat in his hand, but talking to the bat It's Parra's bat  

Trinity:  giving it a pep talk?  

Char:  could be hes on the DL so he has to make his own fun  

Trinity:  so true

Char:  The Dbacks make me want to throw myself off a bridge  

Trinity:  oh. you think the dbacks make *you* want to throw yourself off a bridge? Today was the 100th anniversary of Fenway park game. Against the Yankees. The ANNIVERSARY of FENWAY. WE FUCKING LOST TO THE MOTHERFUCKING YANKEES  

Char:  at least losing to the Yankees is traditional?

 Trinity: IT WAS THE ANNIVERSARY OF FUCKING FENWAY FUCKING PARK!  

Char: :-(  

Trinity: god damn red sox  

Char: they miss Jacoby

Trinity: they're just stupid  

Char: and Bobby Valentie's running his mouth

 Trinity: lol. I miss Terry Francona

 Char: it was time to go especially considering that beer and friend chicken thing dbacks losing 7-0  

Trinity: lol, yeah aww

 Char: it's only the sixth  

Trinity: there's still time!  

Char: there's not a chance in hell we're scoring 8 runs  

Trinity: heehee

 Char: Stephen Drew made everybody T-shirts aww he's like the house mom

 Trinity: omg, that's so adorable  

Char: I wonder what else he brings from home?  

Trinity: freshly baked muffins, of course

 Char: Sandwiches with the crusts cut off  

Trinity: 8:45 pm chocolate chip cookies Char: I bet be brings water bottles with fresh slices of lemon in them  

Trinity: and scented candles for the clubhouse  

Char: He leaves notes in lockers. "You're appreciated!"  

Trinity: on post it notes! With little smiley face stickers  

Char: Yes! And he reminds everyone to put their uniforms where they belong to help the equipment managers  

Trinity: He makes signs in Print Shop to remind them not to spit on the clubhouse floor.  

Char: He always shares his sunflower seeds  

Trinity: of course. and you know he went to the paint your own pottery place and made everyone a personalized jar in which to spit the shells.  

Char: When he makes brownies, he never adds nuts because nobody likes brownies with nuts.  

Trinity: and someone might be allergic

 Char: you have to consider these things  

Trinity: you do! every Christmas he makes little gift bags for everyone and leaves them in the lockers before everyone else gets to the clubhouse. Homemade fudge and those slice and bake cookies with the christmas tree in the middle.  

Char: Chocolate chip cookie mix in mason jars. With a ribbon.  

Trinity: curled ribbon, naturally.

Char: But he respects Hanukkah too  

Trinity: and kwanzaa

Char: He explains how Sandra Lee's Kwanzaa cake was really insensitive  

Trinity: lol

Diamondbacks Roster: Some Assembly Required

Chris Young went on the disabled list today.

Justin Upton is day-to-day with a thumb injury that he had to have drained of fluid the other day.*

Geoff Blum was placed on the DL last night though the only thing wrong with him is a terrible case of being mostly useless when the team needs a roster spot. Or, if you’re the Diamondbacks, “an oblique strain.” Yeah. That’s convenient.

Called up from Triple A in this fiasco is one guy who’s been raking** and one guy currently passing kidney stones. Because I guess there wasn’t anyone else available. Maybe someone with both an inflamed appendix and a nasty case of gout. But they had to find somebody. I mean, do we really want to see Willie Bloomquist in left field everyday?

I didn’t think so.

Young was on a tear to open the season. I mean a hitting-.410-with-5-home runs-13-RBI kind of tear. When Matt Kemp looks in the mirror, he sees Chris Young behind him getting closer and ever more threatening. If Kemp had Mad Eye Moody’s Foe Glass, he’d be seeing the whites of Chris Young’s eyes.

Everybody else: not so much. Miggy’s doing that thing where he tries to hit lots of home runs and forgets that he has a very pretty and decidedly effective swing when he’s not trying so hard he nearly spins in a circle and falls over like the least graceful kid trying to hit a pinata.*** Ryan Roberts has no idea what’s going. Paul Goldschmidt can’t seem to get a regular start and I’m pretty sure it’s making him sad. Besides Joe Saunders , the starting pitching has just been kind of okay.

Losing the one guy currently striking fear into the hearts of our enemies hurts. Especially since he made a beauty of a catch. Really. It was the kind of thing you can use to feel superior when your friends say that baseball players are fat and aren’t capable of doing anything more than standing still in the outfield as the ball falls into their gravitational well. I’m at least partially convinced he’s some sort of a superhero now, with the the way he flew through the air like that.

It just ended badly. As soon as he collided with the wall, I stopped making meatballs+ and began wailing like an old Italian lady. “No, Chris. Oh no. This is bad. This is so bad.”

And it was bad. The trouble is that while we can afford to lose Upton for a few days while he works that thumb thing out, losing Young at the same time puts the team in a much worse position. It’s like chopping someone’s legs off and then telling them to go run the Boston Marathon: yeah, they could do it but it takes a long time to get used to prosthetics and you trip and fall down a lot.

If we’re going to make it through, the other boys will have to step up. The are the Never Say Die-mondbacks and this is the first time this season where their backs against the wall. We’ll see how it goes. Until then. we’ll hope CY doesn’t go the way of Jacoby Ellsbury.

*Ew
*In Reno, where the air is so thin any hard hit ball is at-risk of entering a low Earth orbit
***Boy, it took me a long time to get to that analogy, didn’t it?
+Delicious snacks! And so portable!

Victory

Perhaps the single greatest sentence ever written about the Diamonbacks:

Mark Reynolds beat Dan Haren in a spirited, dramatic game of Jenga in the clubhouse this afternoon.